14 Days

It’s another one of those nights. I almost wish I had a beer in my hand.

I don’t.

Instead I’m listening to Joseph Arthur’s album “Nuclear Daydream.”

I just finished watching “Saved.” It’s an odd sort of feeling, but I do like the movie in general. It does a good job demonstrating some problems with pop-evangelical-Christianity. But the movie has no solution or realistic conclusion. I think one of the things that weirds me out the most is the main character reminds me of my ex-girlfriend. At least in looks if not in other ways.

I’ve been playing a lot of chess online lately. For some reason, turn-based games have had a grip on me lately. It may have something to do with the game of Risk I played on New Year’s Eve and the fun I had. So now I’m playing chess consistently (if you want to play, let me know), and today I was introduced to the wonders of Civ 4. Now there’s a game with great strategy and designed to look and play well.

Sometimes I wish my life took place in a series of turns. It’d be so much easier to determine where I want to go and what I want to do if I had a week to think between making life-changing decisions. In the real world, though, some decisions take minutes. Some decisions never get made.

Each decision plays a role in the greater whole.

Even though I had a lot of fun hanging out today, playing Civ 4, and passing the time, I still wind up in the same place at the end off the night. I’m in my room hanging out with machines and inanimate objects. I’m in a room where the only being capable of love is myself, and I’m no artisan of love.

These are the moments I am weakest.

Artist: Joseph Arthur
Song: You Are Free
Album: Nuclear Daydream


Time is moving on
You and me
You and me
Suffering is gone
You are free
You are free

I know I let you down
Those days are over now

I’m no longer who I was
No longer who I thought I was

4 thoughts on “14 Days”

  1. Um, ever consider getting a cat? Seriously. When I first moved to (major metropolitan area thousands of miles from my home state), I felt the way you describe quite often. But I had two furry friends who were ecstatic to have me around. It was, after all, their house. I was just allowed to live in it. (As one comedian I saw riffing on the debate about whether dogs or cats are smarter put it, and I’m paraphrasing: “Of course cats are smarter. They sleep all day, and get you to keep a box of their s*** in your house…”

    I think one things that’s awesome about your struggle is the level of self-awareness you’re expressing (“These are the moments I am weakest”). Dude, it took me years before anyone ever helped me establish that connection between such moments and my compulsivity and proclivity to certain distractions. I wish I could tell you I have those “a-ha” or “ah, yes” moments each time those bad habits arise, but I would be wrong. It still takes work. Books can be a great refuge, too. Something about holding a solid tome with printed pages v staring at a screen.

    Let me know if you’d like a recommended reading list.

  2. Thanks for the thoughts, Captain. I’m not much of a cat person, but I’d love to have a dog. I don’t think I can afford one right now and I would have a hard time taking care of it as well as I’d like to.

    I’ve been doing some reading lately, but the books are not the caliber I would like. “Jurassic Park” is a fun read, but it’s lacking in certain aspects — character and plot. There are characters and there is a plot, but it never feels “real.” I dislike Crichton novels in general due to this.

    If you’ve got some recommended reading, go ahead and let me know a few.

  3. If you’re getting into turn based games, try out the Battle for Wesnoth. It’s an open source strategy game. The graphics aren’t amazing but the gameplay can be challenging, plus there are additional campaigns to download. Peace out bro.

  4. I’m a new dog downer and I’d just like to say that dogs are the way to go. It takes lots of work, but it’s so good to have a warm, friendly, furry friend to come home to when the apartment is otherwise empty.

    Although we didn’t end up getting a dog from a shelter, we seriously considered it, but where we live, there are extra hurdles. Where my older sister got her puppy Pratt from the Humane Society, the initial fee was about $50, plus she got coupons for dog food and several free check ups with a vet. Pet insurance isn’t very expensive and will just about cover any emergencies. Often, newspapers will have pets “free to good home” and they might throw in kennels, treats and food.

    I strongly encourage you to check into dog ownership, Cal. My little dog keeps me sane.

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