The search for masculinity
“But the deadliest place a man ever takes his search, the place every man seems to wind up no matter what trail he’s followed, is the woman.” - John Eldredge, Wild at Heart - Chapter 5
Woah. Been there.
“Why is pornography the most addictive thing in the universe for men?… the deeper reason is because that seductive beauty reaches down inside and touches your desperate hunger for validation as a man you didn’t even know you had, touches it like nothing else most men have experienced. . . . You see, every man remembers Eve. We are haunted by her. And somehow we believe that if we could find her, get her back, then we’d also recovber with her our own lost masculinity.”
Yeah, that’s true. Unfortunately, this lie is easy to believe. What man hasn’t sought some woman (real or fictional) for a sense of masculinity at some point in his life?
“A woman is a captivating thing. More captivating than anything else in all creation. … Femininity can arouse masculinity. … But femininity can never bestow masculinity.”
Once again, true.
“When a man takes his question to the woman what happens is either addiction or emasculation. Usually both.”
Strong words here. The book’s got a lot of examples of this happening. Men who so desperately want to feel like men that they end up going to a woman to prove it. Once he’s given her the ability to make him feel like a man, she can also take away his feeling of masculinity. I remember Mike Jordahl at a meeting I was at using his pointer fingers to illistrate this point. The “man” said to the woman “make me feel like I’m the man.” The woman said “make me feel like a woman, baby.” This doesn’t work for either the man or the woman. They end up leaning heavily on each other.
At some point, people realize that they can’t run to another man or woman for validation.
I’m learning how to not run to women in any sense for validation of my masculinity. It’s an incredibly difficult thing. I’ve been looking to women for this for the last decade. With a woman or at least the prospect of it in my life, I feel like I’ve got a chance to “be a man.” If I could just get that first, second, and fifteenth date, I’d be a man. I’ve had a first-date, but never anything beyond that. I’ve had the conversations “hey, you wanna be my girl?” but nothing beyond that. And I have STRONG SUSPICIONS that if I ever went beyond here in a dating relationship, I’d still feel just as empty in terms of “being a man.” Why? Because getting dates, dating a woman, or even getting married to one won’t make me more of a man.
This chapter concludes without having yet provided an answer, but I’m pretty sure he’s gonna end up pointing to God, not listening to lies about ourselves, and not seeking validation of our masculinity from a woman.
Adoption by God
Children of the Living God - Sinclair B. Ferguson
“There are, then, two dimensions to our sonship. The first is re-creation (or regeneration); the second is adoption, God’s acceptance of us into his family. . . . The source of adoption is to be found in God. Just as we were born again of his will (Jas. 1:18), so we are adopted because of his love.”
He later discusses the prodigal son and also the attitude of the prodigal brother in the story. He contrasts the prodigal brother’s attitude to a statement in 1 John.
“Contrast, then, these two attitudes:
(1) ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders’ (Lk. 15:29); or,
(2) Look! ‘How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God!’ (1 Jn. 3:1).
Which of them is more appropriate to your spiritual condition?”
“Our status is not a matter of our worthiness, but of his love!”
There are three vital implications of our adoption as children of God.
“First, adoption is not a change in nature, but a change in status. . . . Secondly, adoption into a new family produces conflict within the old family [i.e. Satan causing trouble]. . . . A third implication of the New Testament’s teaching is that adoption is incomplete in this world.”
“For the moment, then, let us trust in the wisdom of our Father in heaven who knows and supplies all we shall ever need in this world and the world to come.”
Philippians 4:19 - “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”
How little I understand this! I live with so much sin even though I’ve been adopted as a son of God! My only hope that this will change cannot be in myself for I know that I cannot produce such change in my life apart from the grace of God.